For you, as always.
I have slept through sunny days.
I have drawn to my lungs foul, acrid smoke with toxins ready to slow my system to a crawl on days when the fresh air was readily available.
I have held my tongue when I should have held your hand,
bit my lip when I should have kissed yours,
told myself I was not enough when I knew damn well I will always be more than enough just by being me, as I told you this just the same yet did not apply it for myself because I…
have been afraid,
have been selfish,
have been arrogant and egotistical and filled with reckless desire even when I was unaware the true nature of my wants and needs and as such unable to even approach the idea of being in any way satisfied.
I have stood by when I should have stood up,
stood down when I should have stood by your side,
walked away when I should have walked with you into the fire, knowing as I did that while the flames may burn away my skin love goes far beyond skin and I would rather be absent form than without you, would rather vacate this body than leave you to waste away while I remain unscathed, would rather die right now hand-in-hand with you than rise in full health yet empty-handed tomorrow.
Tomorrow… A beautiful word… just like today, for yesterday I made mistakes but today I am working to right them, that tomorrow might be a better version of today might be a better version of yesterday, and tomorrow… tomorrow will come, whether it brings blue skies and beams of heavenly glow or grey clouds and a rumbling chatter of particles clashing in discordant dialogue…
Yes, tomorrow will arrive, and when it does, I will greet it happily, knowing someday I will greet it with you.
For though I have slept through sunny days,
I will not sleep through the sunshine of your love,
though there will be days where we do not leave the bed at all,
the light falling softly through the window as a stream of small, warm kisses to grace the tender places on our resting forms upon which only recently our own lips had been gently pressed, our finger tips caressed, our teeth so playfully impressed and upon which we will gently impart affection throughout the remaining quiet hours of the day until at last the sun has set and the other stars graciously appear to give their distant blessings just the same.
No, I will not sleep…
though I will be tired at times as there will be nights where we do not close our eyes to rest but instead gaze with and into them in awe, our faces only the shortest distance apart, our fingers-toes-arms-legs no longer separate but indistinguishably intertwined as we lay and laugh and smile and take in with all our senses the wonder of our unique and beautiful forms, still all our own and distinct from one another yet, in our blessed union, no longer alone and no longer prone to sleep through sunny days…
but rather ready to embrace, nights and days, weeks and weekends, time and place, objects, space, all difference but a name but different just the same, all but a game, and we will make it ours, as we will count the stars, one by one, the moon, the sun, just for fun, and when we’re done, who cares who won, I’ll hold you close, I’ll let you know, I love you so, I will not let you go, I will not leave, I will not stray, I will not sleep through one more sunny day.