Until the Pendulum Swings Back Again

How many times have I

Prayed for death?

For life?

 

I hope God understands my seemingly contradictory appeals…

Patiently humming and biding time

Until the pendulum swings back again,

Or until I see once more that it never moved in the first place,

That it was my perception

-Based on my limited perspective-

Which was flawed,

And not my

Head / Heart / Health

Entirety of self

As I am so prone to believe.

 

“Something is wrong with me.”

“Something is very wrong with me!”

I think / mumble / scream

To myself

At times,

Over and over,

And when I do

I do not know

If I want it fixed

Or if I want it to consume me.

 

Why am I never happy with what I have?

Always wanting

More, more, more.

 

I could be given the world

And would want the moon too…

 

I am so tired,

But it is when I go without sleep

That I am most awake.

 

I am so hungry,

But it is when I go without food

That I am most filled.

 

Why am I so desperate for love,

For approval,

When I know without a doubt that the audience I am most concerned with

Is the one that looks back at me from the mirror

Older and more alone each day?

 

My dreams,

Why are they filled

With the past,

With the future,

And not with today,

Not with the people and places I want so very badly to appreciate now

As I have learned

From my experiences in the past

And from my observations of the future?