Why do I even write these days?
Why do I try?
Why do I try as hard as I do when clearly there are more effective and efficient approaches.
Someone has it figured out…
I see so many others who write poems that reach audiences of hundreds or even thousands.
I see videos that reach beyond that, to the millions.
“If only I had a good pair of tits,”
I think to myself
As I scroll the leader boards and see the most mundane videos of bedrooms and back yards
With much more reach into the hearts and minds
Than the tailored experience of which I am so proud,
That I have crafted with all of my own heart and mind.
Men who fawn and drool like prehistoric pond slime
As well as
Women who are appreciated
-Excuse me, whose bodies are appreciated-
By so many,
As well as women who know what they want and are going to get it (Go girl!)
If only I had…
Trauma inflicted over many years,
A resignation to expectations,
A lack of self-respect and support from others who care about me for who I am
And the blinding desire to be accepted that comes as such.
I’d get into the level of self-esteem issues that have gotten me to where I am at,
But I am so darn humble with such things as to almost be proud,
A walking contradiction as in so many other ways.
This place is awful at times.
Some days I just want to scream and tear my skin from my face to my toes like a banana peel
Just as I remember seeing in cartoons sometimes as a child.
Some days I cry
-Who am I kidding-
Most days I cry,
In work meetings
In my car on the way to and from the various obligations I find myself accepting,
On walks and seated at my desk,
Cued on by
Just about anything,
Or the lack thereof,
That show even a trace
Any emotion indicating I am speaking to another human being
Something I doubt at times in all honesty.
I have worn myself to the bone
Just trying to be
To be loved.
What we do,
Say we would do,
In the right state of mind.
Would we kill for love,
Just as Ruth in fiction?
I have tried
And almost succeeded,
And I do not think I am all that unique in this regard.
Why do we seek approval from others so deeply
So often without our own awareness as such?
My actions and thoughts are consciously endowed with the deep-rooted notion of self-acceptance
And I am growing to learn that sometimes you need to give the entire world the middle finger
And say “F%*& you, I am who I am and you can deal with it,”
But at the same time
I am also learning to be genuine and honest,
And when I see things as they are
As I read this poem in my head moments after I left the words slip out onto the screen,
I see a desperate human being seeking acceptance and love
The same as 1, 2, 10, 20, or even 30 years ago,
And I am
As well as proud.
Ashamed that I cannot reject the need to seek others approval
Despite honest best efforts,
Despite a drive to love myself as I am,
As I do others.
Apathetic as I know
It doesn’t matter
Because I will learn and grow and keep pushing forward
Bcause I am A***** Freaking P******* and I can do anything and so can you.
I am learning to be aware of these things
And to work with them to move forward
Instead of allowing them to impede my path.
The fall is complete
But nothing is ever final
And what falls will inevitably rise again,
Though not in the same form.
Does that render this collection meaningless?
I don’t really care.
These words were never for you to begin with
Nor were they for me…
They just are,
As so much of this world is
And we can take it or leave it.
I am looking forward to a future where there is no need
To feel as if we must kill for love,
Where love is abundant.
This is lofty,
I am done waiting for the world to change,
And if I would kill for love
Then I can’t even begin to describe,
The lengths I am willing to go to
To remove the need in the first place.
What we do for love…
Whatever we must.
I love you all
And always will.