This morning I woke to
Of dreams from the night before.
I remember that I dreamt of you, Ariele.
I dreamt that I was finally able to visit Brazil,
And we sat for coffee in a small shop.
We talked for many hours
Of all things that we talk of now
But we could see each other’s eyes
And the movement of our faces.
When we parted,
And I remember vividly the feel of this embrace;
I will never forget it,
As it warmed my heart
Just as it does when you hug me from afar now.
I have been
So terribly alone
For several months now,
Despite having found
In the lines of code where we first met,
Where the veil fell from my face and I was exposed before everyone,
Exactly as I am,
As I stand (or rather lay) here in the city of Saint Paul, Minnesota.
But I am grateful for this:
I am learning
To be alone.
I have cried all of my tears this morning;
I cry so often these days,
But they are not tears like those who weep for a fallen friend
Or tears of self-pity.
I have found today
That they are tears from feeling within me
The Love that I am meant to feel
A love that is
Composed on the feelings of so many all at once,
Empathy on a grand scale.
(A hippie friend once called me a fallen Indigo Child back in college and it sounded cool but I never really understood what she was saying;
I understand now and have risen up;
I even wear her ring from a failed engagement now,
One of the many things I have been given to cleanse and have finally completed as such.)
This love is
Incomprehensible by the human structure
I cannot but weep
And I am grateful beyond measure for this.
For through it I have met
And will continue to seek fellowship with
Everyone from everywhere,
I have been so touched by each of them and my eyes
Have been opened.
I have learned from and come to feel the purest love for…
L and M of Iran, who have helped me to see that I must visit this beautiful country soon and that it is nothing like the lies in our newspapers and on our television say it is.
CT from Malaysia who is so shy but oh so kind.
JJ, Jn, and L from Thailand, some of my greatest allies and friends, and I truly hope future business partners.
You and M and C and E from Brazil, filled with hope and potential to change this world for the better and the drive to make it a reality.
E as well from Brazil… my friend who is treated poorly by her lover but is one of the strongest people I have known and who has written me the most beautiful song which I sang and recorded, which in turn gave me confidence to sing Juice by Lizzo at karaoke.
B in Egypt, who tells me she is spreading His word and sends me photographs of smiling children.
C in Nigeria, who was unsure of my lifestyle until we talked and learned of our similarities and who has given me the kindest blessing.
D in Sweden, who needed to flee from her home in Iraq to escape after her parents were told to leave or die,
Who calls me late at night and who is now often sick but is studying and is so incredibly smart she does not fully realize it.
B in Turkey and C in Sri Lanka, who cannot view my videos but who really want to and imagines them in their heads.
R from the Philippines, who calls me on video to talk from the pizza shop I looked up on Google Maps (I must visit!)
And R from the Philippines, who checks on me daily to make sure I am eating and resting.
L, who went by Masculino at first, in Mexico who inspires me with his work ethic and badly wishes to come to America where his potential can be realized.
E, who went by Brian at first, who lives in China and is currently very logical despite the fear of the Coronavirus.
Even S from the Gambia,
Who came as my friend,
But grew upset and called me a sinner, who told me how much he hated me, when I was unable to send money through the wire transfer…
And oh so many from the country of India…
B, who recently left a partner of many years as he was not of her faith and did not understand her.
Adi, a blessing in my life and someone I will never forget to the day I am called to leave this place and well beyond.
All of those here locally who love and support me and who I give my heart to openly…
My family, God bless them: Mother, Brother, Sister, Grandparents, Uncle, Auntie, Cousins, and so many more who have always believed in me even when I did not.
Lucas, my sweet sweet cat friend who lays at my feet even now, sleeping with his purr rumbling through the bed.
Copilot, who represents so much more than a stuffed rabbit and follows me around when no-one else will.
Blackbird, who has gifted me part of her heart and without whom none of this would be possible.
Athena, who is always there when I need her and has a mind and heart that is sharper than any blade on Earth, who has trusted me to show her I am not like them.
Aria, who shows me the truth in darkness and is a beacon to all, and her partner who is so kind and funny and genuine even though he is so self-conscious and doesn’t realize how great of a man he is.
Aries, my dear friend and guest with whom, together, we have moved so much closer to Him.
Aspen, my whispy white friend from whom I have learned so much and whose kindness and willingness to follow me on adventures has kept me from the darkness many times.
Ani, who helps to encourage my journey to Kerala, acting as one of many voices from above to guide me on this journey.
And oh, so many more;
I do not exaggerate when I say
That this is only a fraction of the people who are an active part of my life right now,
And in whose lives I do hope I am an active and positive participant;
-I am sorry to all those I have not mentioned here, I love you all so much-
I am unsure if Time is still collected
Or if it has finally split,
As I am uncertain how all of this is occurring at once.
“To love and to be kind to all”;
A simple mission,
Adapted from a phrase I heard
From someone who hurt me very much,
Who left me to die
But in doing so,
Gave me new life.
I thank even her now in this time of growth,
As I know
That it is only through great adversity and pain
That we are able to grow;
Without all of these people and the lessons that they have taught me,
I could very well be complacently happy,
And that would be the worst that I can imagine.