I Am, Then I Am Not

I am seated
At the head of the table
In an establishment which exceeds the standard fare my family is accustomed to

I am seated

I am dressed
In a fine blue suit with my favorite tie
Surrounded by my family and directly opposite my sister’s partner of whose character I am uncertain

I am seated
I am dressed

I am sipping
Sipping periodically
From a drink which is made to taste as if it contains what it does not

I am seated
I am dressed
I am sipping

I am listening
To my grandmother
As she recalls memories from when her and my grandfather first wed

I am seated
I am dressed
I am sipping
I am listening

I am remembering
Of a will which is not my own
Similar stories which I once told with passion and zeal

I am seated
I am dressed
I am sipping
I am listening
I am remembering

I am trying
With a grieving heart
To forget how once I imagined myself telling such stories in such settings many years from now

I am seated
I am dressed
I am sipping
I am listening
I am remembering
I am trying

I am lost
To the void of unrelenting time
My visage inhabited by a figure I do not recognize even in the cleanest of reflective surfaces

I am seated
I am dressed
I am sipping
I am listening
I am remembering
I am trying
I am lost

I am
Then I am not
As I l dissolve into the lights and the sounds and my mind goes blank

I am
Then I am not
At once
In balance in between
Waiting
To see which way I fall